Gun Control

This originally appeared on my facebook when someone wanted to keep it real and ask “oh yeah, smart guy, what would YOU do about home security?”. I feel like I have it pretty well figured out:

Evan Williams, if we could…melt all the guns down into a bridge that lead to say…. Great Britain. I recently REALLY got into British culture like tea, Doctor Who, and caring about the royal family. You know, British stuff. I was watching this movie and Britain was in it and they had glowly shock wand things that they hit criminals with. I think that would be good. Maybe we could mount those wands on a cross bow or someother sort of hand help device? So, yeah, recap: Take all the guns away from everyone, melt them down to gun-bridge, get some Great Britain glow wands, mount those on cross bows. I really do think everyone would be happier with the Glow Shock Crossbow (Patent Pending). I think that most gun owners would feel much cooler in their ideal gun situation. You know, like the one where the intruder is standing at the edge of their bed? How much cooler would the previous gun owner feel if he could roll out of bed like John McClane, strike a ready-for-action stance and fire a Glow Shock Wand (Patent Pending) at this masked intruder? Or, maybe some one gave the previous gun owner the finger while driving. Now, this person could wave around their Glowand Launcher (Patent Pending) and just show it off. I think that would scare off anyone who thought this is the kind of place you can go around giving the finger to people! Actually, reading over this, it’s starting to sound like I don’t know what I am talking about even with the invention of the Glow and Blow Bow with Laser Targeting (Patent Pending). I think the long and short of it is (Long and Short versions available for the Bright Fight Glow Club Launcher- Patent Pending) that I really wish that we didn’t live in a culture where domestic conflicts were not so easily ‘won’ by the push of button (pulling of a trigger). Maybe we lost our way and forgot how to either let things roll off our backs or confront them head on. Maybe if certain types of guns/rounds were unavailable, it would greatly reduce tragic shootings. Sure, the criminals will still get the weapons- but so will the people that are responsible enough to have them. For everyone else- might I suggest Baumgart’s Multi-GlowMissle Handheld Launcher with Bluetooth Capability?

I got two pieces of amazing news within 5 secs. #beardown

I got two pieces of amazing news within 5 secs. #beardown

Home Security Rebuttals

Sometime at my job I sell home security systems. Mostly clients decline because they don’t want another bill after buying a house. Sometimes clients want to tell you that they don’t need one because they have a gun/dog. That’s a stupid reason. Here are some rebuttals to that reasoning:

I have a gun.

-“Yeah, my dad didn’t hug me enough either”

-“oh, my mistake, I thought your name was Jim, not Terminator Rambo.”

-“And I bet you are a great shot when you are startled awake in the middle of the night by an intruder”

-“I’m glad you switched over from the samurai sword you kept under your pillow”

-“Cool! I can’t wait to kill some either! That’ll teach some kid in a hoodie to walk down my street!”

- “well, if you like expensive stuff you will never get to really use, you will love a security system”

-“But what happens if the intruder has TWO guns?”

I have a dog.

-          “ but does your dog love you enough to fight of an intruder?”

-          “yeah, but dogs are stupid animals”

-          “Well, you know, someday your dog will die…like we all do”

-          “Yeah, but if I was an intruder, the first thing I would do is shoot your pet in the face”

-          “yeah, but dogs aren’t that scary- you knows what is? A velociraptor. That’s better than a dog”

-          “You should probably keep a dog at every entrance to your home just to be safe”

-          “But a security system won’t just rip out your child’s jugular vein for no reason some day”

-          “but you know what doesn’t wipe it’s ass on the carpet? A home security system”

I already miss you, Weekend

I already miss you, Weekend

Did three minutes tonight on stage. Even when jokes aren’t landing it’s the best three minutes all week.

Things That Every Episode of ‘Young Justice’ Needs

-every 5th episode the entire team (consisting of 20 or more characters) needs to be captured and held in stasis

-every episode needs at least one archer character (chosen from 6 different archers)

-every episode must address one of the 25 active love triangles/strifes

-every episode must include at least 2 Justice League members that fans of Young Justice won’t recognize (Captain Marvel, Black Lighting, Captain Atom)

-Every episode must include at least 2 villainous subplots (chosen from Reach, Luthor, Black Manta, Sportsmaster, Vandal Savage, Evil Beetles)

-Every villain must smile sinisterly a minimum of 3 times.

-Every episode must have at least two members of the Bat-Family in the background

- Every 7th word spoken by a Latin character must be in Spanish

- Every other episode needs to introduce a minimum of one new member to the team.

-All minor crimes and criminals are to be ignored. Only Extraterrestrial and Villainous cabals matter.  

- Every episode should have a mission that involves infiltration and general sneakiness.

-All infiltration/general sneakiness will be ruined and covers blown

-Each episode must start with G Gordon Godfrey (even though Young Justice Fans don’t know who he is)

- Each episode must involve a reference to Youth Culture (rollerblades, skate boards, backwards hats)

- Each episode must make use of in-world youth slang (created by middle-aged writers) that isn’t actually spoken by real youth.

- Each episode should remind viewers of each on-going under cover mission and also all deep cover missions and double agent missions.

-Every episode must address a character’s loyalty to Young Justice and address if they are really with the enemy instead.

4th of July.

I make these now.

:) = :(

How is it when, I see people having a good time, it really makes me anxious and depressed.

Don’t kiss anyone’s ass. Don’t do it. For the rest of your life, everyone will always tell you, ‘Pick your battles. Kiss a little bit of ass. Then you get to stop kissing ass later.’ It’s a lie. They all just want their ass kissed. They think that if they tell you that they’re gonna get to kiss less ass too. It’s all garbage. It’s all bullshit. You have to just do everything yourself.

Dan Harmon’s Dad’s advice to young people (via eltigrechico)

(via danharmon)